Ramblings of the partially innocent.

That seems to be my motto these days. Just one more hour of sleep, just one more episode of Gossip Girl (can you blame me though?), just one more piece of chocolate… It concerns me though. I have four more exams and I haven’t really been preparing for them. Why am I blogging about it instead of studying? Because I am the QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION! (Yes, the title comes with Caps Lock.)

I just know that this is going to end with me frantically staying up all night to finish some random exam paper that won’t help me at all in the exam, or perhaps a nice nervous breakdown sometime soon. The funny thing is that I feel really motivated and ready to study… as long as I don’t actually have to study. Funny huh?

I don’t want exam week to be a horrible period, I want to sit back at the end of this and not feel like I’m about to die of exhaustion. Is that so much to ask?

Alright. I can do this. I can totally do this. No problem. Ok. Yes. (Do I sound convinced yet?)

Ok, I started a post about how the power of thought changed my life, but it was just coming out a tad condescending. You know, like how people who’s lives are awesome go on about how it’s so simple to turn it around and all you have to do is try… Sometimes (read, most of the time) it’s really irritating. Patronising. That’s the word I was looking for. And I don’t want to be like that.

So let me just say this: I was depressed. I was locking myself away from the world because I was so scared of having a bad experience. And (surprise surprise) I was miserable. I wanted to drop out of school (because I was scared of failing) and there was a whole lot going on. And I decided to tell people. I told my parents and they were suitably concerned and told me to go see a therapist. And so I did, and I learned that a lot of my sadness came from inside my head. It was really hard for me to accept, because it meant that I had made myself so miserable.

But now I know what the problem was. I kept thinking negatively, then I would feel negative and so I would act negative. It sounds like such a simple equation, almost too simple. But that’s what it all boils down to. We control our own happiness. I think that people are hesitant to admit this because they don’t want to take control of their lives. THey want to be able to blame someone else when things go wrong. Or at least, that was my reason.

But I’ve come to realise that there’s no point in wasting my time making myself sad. Seriously. I’m 19 years old, a had an awesome childhood, I go to a great school, I know some awesome people: life should be good. I want it to be good. In fact, that’s my new goal. I don’t want to judge my life by my grades, or guys that like me, or how much money I have. I’m going to judge it by how happy I am. Sounds simple enough right?

Oh, and by the way, my Economics exam was fantastic. Seriously, it went better than I could have hoped for… so let’s hope that I can keep that going for the next 11 days!

This has to be a short post what with the exam I have in about  32 hours for which I am severly underprepared), but I just had to write after the epsiode of Grey’s Anatomy that I just watched.
It was the season finale, and it broke me. Well, parts of it did anyway. I don’t want to get into details in case some people haven’t watched it. But I have to say that the love between Jeremy and Beth (I think that was her name), it seriously rocked me to the core. It was incredible acting from both of them. It was the kind of thing that makes you long for love like that, even if it’s fleeting. And even if it hurts when it’s gone… just to have experienced that would have meade you a better person. That was incredible.
I think that anyone who has read my blog (no matter how smal your numbers!) know that I’m a little love obsessed. But can you blame a girl for hoping?

Ok. I’m tired of being all mopey and sad. Honestlyit’s draining the life out of me, and I have things to do today.

Such as:

• Go buy some groceries (healtyh snacks for studying etc. My mom would be so proud)
• Do some laundry
• Wash my hair- seriouly, it’s getting out of contro
• Get some studying done for Microeconomics and for Financial Reporting
• Stop thinking about all the dcisions I have to make (at least for now)
• Listen to some HAPPY music for a change (actually, right now I’m listening to “Without Love” from the Haispray OST. I love musicals, they never fail to put a smile on my face!)

Right, I have a plan. A definite course of action. I just want to go to bed tonigt thinking that I had a good day, that’s my main goal.

Also, I want to write more, just in general. But I want to write about something else, something that makes me feel good about writing it If that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, updates later.

“But it hasn’t been easy

I’m sure that you had your reasons

I’m scared of all this emotion

For years I’ve been holding it down.”

-james Morrisson

Does  anyone know that song? I swer, I get chills when I listen to it, it seems to sum up everything I wantto say! Basically, I’m scared to start living. Wait, that sounds silly. Let me rather say that I don’t know where to start. In the past year and a half, I’ve had to start taking responsiblity for the course of my own life. WHen I was at home, I could kind of leave it up to my parents to make all the big decisions. But now, I have to do it. And it’s scary. Every decision you make is going to have an impact on who you are and what will happen to you.

For a control-freak like me, th worst part is that I can’t be in control of everything. I realise now that I chose the safest possible options for my life. I’m studying acoounting (which basically guarantees ou a job and a crapload of money), I haven’t dated (because I don’t want to get hurt), I isolate myself from people (because I hate conflict and rejection)… Ugh. On paper (or screen!) my life seems so empty. I mean, yeah, it isn’t bad per se, it’s just… uneventful. I mean, I’m not even 20 yet, and here I am trying to plan out my entire life.

I need to be bold. I need to take a chance. Seriously, I’m driving myself crazy here. But honestly, i don’t know how to do it. Drop out of school and do something random? Get a job? My biggest fear is that those things are too drastic. Maybe I just need to do something different.

The funny things is, my mom is totally encouraging me to come home. Do I have the most awesome mother or what? Oh crap, I’m getting all emotional. Thinking about this always makes me cry. Mostly because I feel so bad that I’ve wasted so much time and money on this, and now…. I shudder to think what my dad is going to say. I’ve only told my mom, and she said dhe would tell him before I get home. He;s going to try convince me to stay. I have a feeling. He’ll be all like: “Don’t you think it would be better to just fib=nish and get your degree?” And I’ll agree. Just lke I always do.

Aaaaaaarghh! Thisis so frustrating. I honestly don’t know what to do. Everytime I think about this decsion, my whole body just tenses,and my mind is whirling like a dervish (I love that phrase! What te hell is a dervish anyway?) and I just push it to the back of my head. Not the best attitude to have when you’re trying to study for exams. It doesn’t help that I keep thinking “Why study? I’m dropping out anyway.” Yeah, try studying Microeconomics with that thought.

I need advice. The person that I most want advice from right now, is the guy I’ve been writing about. Because, not only am I crazy about him, he’s also a really close friend of mine. He’s the guy who followed his dreams, and I want to talk to him about it. Ok, fine, and I just want him to pay attention to me. I just want him, period. s my sudden onslaught of wanting partially driven by his recent relationship with (gasp) another woman? Maybe. But he was always kind of in my mind. I’ve known him for so long…. Ok. This is not going to turn into a post about him. I refuse. As much as I want to spend time writing down every reason why I like him, I have an exam to study for and a life-altering decision to make. Plus, I really have to wash my hair!

Peace out, and thanks for listening to my ranting… ;>

Alright, I’m going to apologise in advance for this, but I talk about guys A LOT. (Maybe it’s my complete lack of one, who knows).

There is one in particular that I cannever quiye stop myself from thinking about- I won’t name names, because he might read this, and that would be all too embarrassing; lets call him Nate. So, I’ve known Nate for a long long time. And even though we don’t go to the same school, I think about him pretty often. Does he know? Gosh, he probably does, I’m so obvious about these things. If he didn’t have a girlfriend, I might tell him outright, but alas, I don’t want to be that girl who steals other people’s men. SO I will remain silent. Also, I’m terrified that he’ll laugh at me.

Ugh. I feel dumb, I had so many chances with him, and I kept blowing it. What  with my whole finding myself thing, I’m on a mission to be really honest with myself, ad with him, I guess. Sigh, time to lay my heart on the line.

Remember that wave I was talking about in my last post. Well, it just broke and I feel a bit like I’m drowning. Wow, I don’t know if that metaphor makes sense at all! Have no idea what I’m talking about? Let me give you some backstory.

All my life, I’ve been the “smart” one. I never fail. I think (before I got to varsity) the only thing I ever failed was a Social Studies test in Grade 5.  In high school, I was (and still am) an overachiever. I was good at pretty much everything, but especially good with numbers. My dad works in finance, so I always kind of thought I would do the same thing. Right now, I’m studying to be a Chartered Accountant (CA). And my first year marks were pretty spectacular, mostly because I almost killed myself getting them. But I was pretty miserable a lot of the time. I tried to pass it off on to the fact that I didn’t like my school. So this year, I’m at a new school. And the misery has intensified. So now, I have a new theory as to why I get so sad:

I don’t want to be a CA.

It’s hard to admit that, because that would mean that I’d wasted a year and a half, and a lot of money. I think that’s why I didn’t want to admit before. I feel like my parents would not be impressed. Well, I did until about 10 minutes ago, when my mom called and asked me, seriously asked me, if I want to come home. Like right now. And I’m so tempted to say yes, because I feel like I’m trying to force myself to be something. But. If I don’t go to school, what will I do? I always kind of thought I had to go to school, and get a good job, buy a house and settle down. So, what do I do instead? Right now, I’m thinking about just writing these exams and going home, maybe getting a job. I know that lots of people do it, but I just feel like it’ll make me a failure. Like, if I don’t come back to university, and I don’t get a degree, I’ll live a mediocre life. But it doesn’t have to be like that, does it? I can be successful and happy without having some big corporate life. I don’t want the corporate life anyway. I think it makes you a bit hard, and not appreciate the little things. Everything you do and think about is measured in monetary terms.

All I know is, I have a huge life-changing decision to make. I could stick with it, I could definitely pass the Board exams and qualify. I could work for a big accounting firm. I would probably keep feeling the way I’ve been feeling lately, and I can’t do that. So, option 2. Go home and decide what the hell I want to do. Be happy, or at least happier. When I put it like that, it seems like an obvious decision. But it’s hard to walk away from your entire life plan. But it’s like that Robert Frost poem, “The Road Less Travelled”:

Death is a weird concept for me. Like, I still don’t really feel it’s gravity. My grandfather died a couple of years ago, and I remember feeling surprisingly little. I put it down to the fact that I never really knew him. He had a stroke when I was really little, so he never sopke. I’m not sure he even knew who I was whenever we went to visit. I remember (and this is one of my most shameful memories) my grandparents came to stay with us once, and he had an accident on the lawn chairs (that was when things were getting really bad). And, later on I was like “Ewww, I don’t want to sit in that chair. It has pee on it.” My dad looked at me like he was going to cry. I felt about 2cm tall, and like I was going to hell. I remember that day a lot. And just for the record, I’m sorry Tatekulu (that’s “grandfather” in my language). I think he was a nice man, and he raised my dad really well, so who was I to ridicule?

My best friends dad passed away a couple of weeks ago. When I heard, I broke down. but mostly because I was sad for HER. She doesn’t go to school here, in fact, she’s the only one not at school here, so she’s all alnoe at home. And we can’t be there to hug her or anything. What would I say to her? I don’t think there is anything you can say. I wish I could be there for her right now.

I miss home.

Seriously, I feel like a big revelation is on its way. You know, one of those life-changing moments that alter your perception of the world? Yeah. Totally on it’s way. I have no idea what it is though, no idea what it’s about. But I want it, I want change. I want to feel something other than worry or concern or boredom with life. I just… I don’t know.

I’m slipping back into my negative thoughts, and that is VERY BAD. Seriously, I went to therapy for this. And I learned a whole lot about myself, still learning really. Sometimes I wish I could write down all the things I’ve learned, they would really help in a pinch.

Ok, happy thoughts now! Bunnies and kittens and chocolate and freshly cut grass and the smell of rain and… ok, feeling a bit better.

Ok, another random thought- I really want to kiss my housemate. Like really. It would abviously be a bad idea, what with living next door to me. Imagine if it was awkward. I mean, he’s my best friend in this house and I don’t want to lose him. But sometimes, I just want to stick my tongue in his mouth. That’s normal right? Ugh. This sucks. And he smells good. Why couldn’t he be an asshole, who smelt bad and didn’t make me feel better when I felt sad?

Ok, so maybe this isn’t the most original idea, but isn’t that the whole point of Social Computing? Here are 100 things about me you probably don’t know (probably less than that, but 100 is such an impressive number!).

1. I love chocolate, even when it’s made me feel sick. Yeah, I think I might have a bit of a problem.

2. I love knowing things.

3.I love that feeling I get when the world jsut seems to be interconncted.

4. I have a little crush on one of my housemates.

5. I’m allergic to melons.

6. I can cry at the drop of a hat, but I can also be really cold sometimes.

7. I let people take advantage of me because I don’t want to let them down.

8. My biggest fear is failure.

9. I’m tired of writing such negative thoughts.

10. EBM has been a huge inspiration to me.

11. At this moment, I have no idea if I believe in God or not.

12. I like blue flowers.

13. I’m not really partial to the smell of roses.

14. My favourite days are ones spent in my room when it’s pouring rain outside.

15. I love pictures of spectacular scenery. And clouds. I’m a total cloud whore.

16. Yeah, I deleted this one. Sorry!

17. That worries me since I’m almost 20. Doesn’t really make sense since 16. is gone!

18. I’m meant to be doing exam prep right now.

19. I love to collect knick-knacks

20. I want to live in England somefay.

21. I’ve been to Paris twice and it was SPECTACULAR both times.

22. For about 5 years, I’ve harboured a serious attraction to an old friend

23. He probably kows about it

24. I got over the embarasssment pretty fast.

25. Mostly because he lives pretty far away.

26. I think I’ll be a good mom

27. Sometimes, naked images of the people around me rise unbidden in my mind.

28. I wonder if that means I’m deprived.

29. The idea baring your soul completely kind of scares the crap out of me.

30. I don’t particularly like to cook.

31. I wsh I played lead guitar for My Chemical Romance.

32. I’m not on oreo, and that has gotten really old really fast.

33. I’m not lost, just undiscovered.

34. I have considered dropping out of school to become a dancer.

35.Sadly, I haven’t had any training, so that probably wouldn’t work out.

36. I have a thing for white boys.

37. I love the way guys smell- when they’re clean, of course.

38. I love sarcasm.

39. I love socks

40. I love hot water bottles

41. My fingers are crooked because I spent most of my childhod walking around with clenched fists.

42. Sometimes, my voice is tolerable.

43. I tend to overthink things. Like, a lot.

44. Guitars are the most fantastic instruments in the world.

45. I want to be a pilot.

46. Sometimes, I wonder what t would be like to do something completely unexpected.

47. Kniting is fun, and not just for grannies

48. I always sleep through my alarm.

49. I’m always almost late for class

50. I have tiny wrists

51. My favourite body parts are: hands, torso (and, no, it doesn’t have to be muscular and toned!), nose ( I love distinctive noses) and necks. Basically the body parts that you don’t really come into contact with all that often.

52. I hate it when people don’t care about the environment.

53. Sometimes, I’m actually glad to be single.

54. I adore Stewie on Family Guy- I feel like the writers picked my brain sometimes

55. Hollywoods portrayal of the perfect life is impossible.

56. It’s almost 1 am, so more tomorrow!

57. If you are reading this- You are a gentleman and a scholar. Take the finest horse from my stables.