Ramblings of the partially innocent.

It has been a shamefully long time since I posted anything on wordpress. I have a couple of excuse, I guess you can decide if they are in any way valid.

1. I no longer have internet access in the comfort of my own bedroom. I was so used to being able to blog at 3 am, that now I seem to be unable to surf the net at “normal” hours. Of course, the computer is now downstairs, so maybe that one isn’t so valid.
2. I’ve been so busy catching up with everyione at home that… Ok, that one isn’t as true as I would like it to be. My friends and I seem to be drifting apart. I think that it’s all of our faults really. And things have been difficult lately; my friend’s father passed away, one has major relationship issues, one has been spending all her time with her long distance boyfriend, I’ve been… being my self-destructive self. So it isn’t really a conducive environment for girly bonding time. I spend a lot of time by myself, but then, I always do, so no biggie!
3. I’ve been busy recovering… from my tattoo! Ok, not really, but I love it sooooo much that I just had to include it. It’s a G-clef and my favorite thing in the world. Not just because it means a lot to me, which it does, but also because it represents the fact that I’m finally doing the things that I always wanted to do. It means a lot because music has really been integral to keeping me alive these days (overdramatic as that may seem). It’s a loooooong story, and I really don’t want this blog to turn into an emo-whiny space, so I’ll spare you the gory details. But, this year has been tough, and music helped me. And so, my tattoo is my tribute.

As you can see, I really had no reason to stay away (apart from my lack of motivation). But I’m back, and I’m ready to join the  online community once more. Hope all is well for you if you’re reading this!

That’s the title of a really great jazz song, which I think featured in “Prime”, one of my all-time favourite films. Just another bit of random knowledge from me to you.

So, in case anyone has been worried about me, I’ve been off the radar mainly because of my unmentionably disgusting exam schedule. (Honestly, 2 huge exams on the same bloody day? Do they think we’re robots or something. But let me not fly off on a tangent about my feelings about exams. (Yeah, it really makes sense to determine our futures according to how well we can regurgitate 6 months worth of information in 3 hours. Totally logical.)

I’m officially DONE and that’s all that matters! I actually finished at 8pm last night, and it’s almost 8am the next day. I honestly couldn’t sleep so I decided to stay awake. I blame all the caffeine and sugar that I’ve been ingesting for the past couple of days! One of my housemates is actually about to write an exam, so I sent him off and now I’m just waiting for the sun to rise. I do’t see the point in going to bed a couple of hours before sunrise; I figure, the more sunrises a person experiences in their lifetime, the better, Right? Right.

Unfortunately, I’ve got to be up by 11am because I have sooooo much to get done bfore I go home for the vac. First and foremost- TATTOO! That’s right, I’m going to get a symol indelibly inked on my body, and I absolutely can’t wait. It’s one of the things that I’ve always wanted to do, and I’m all about tackling that list these days. During my days of depression (which, to be honest, weren’t all that long ago) I dragged myself out of the doom and gloom by thinking about the things that I still want to do. And I’m young (not even 20 yet), so it’s a pretty damn long list! So… tattoo! I’m scared, because I know that it’ll hurt. But I think that it’ll be worth it in the end. I’ve decided to get a G clef:

I think I want it on my hip. *shudders* Pain, though! I’ll suck it up though.

So, the sun’s up, even though it’s really coudy so I can’t see it ANYWAY. This brings my night of introspection to an end. I did a lot of thinking about the usual: who I am; who I want to be; how to bridge the gap between the two; whether my beliefs are right or wrong. You know, the usual.

Also, I finally managed to catch up on a lot of bandom fic. I know that a lot of people think that fan fiction is a) creepy, b) weird, c) for losers or d) all of the above. And I don’t have a problem with it. But I like it, because you can find some really good authors who write amazing stories.

On that note, I feel like a zombie right now. So I will end with the words of one of my new friends: *wanders off muttering “brains…arghhhh…must have brains..”*

Ok, (I’ve noticed that I start a lot of posts with “Ok”, my English teacher would flay me alive for that!). So it’s been a very weird morning. Just to let you know, this is likely to be rant-y and laced with just a hint of self-pity. And maybe some triggering content. But anyway.

I wrote my Accounting exam yesterday, and it was actually alright. I’m pretty sure I passed it, so that’s a load of my shoulders. So I was all amped to study last nigh and I just… got into bed and didn’t get out until now, which is about 12pm. Yes, I slept for about 15 hours. The feeling I had isn’t so strong now, but I just felt so lethargic and everything was pointless.

Why is this such a bad thing?

Because this is how I felt when I was a little suicidal a while ago. This was the whole reason that I started going to therapy. Incidentally, I skipped therapy this morning due to feeling like a useless lump. ANd that’s made me feel like a useless lump. I kept waking up, and I would actually get up with the intention of doing something… then end up in bed again.

But for the past couple of hours, it’s been getting worse, what with me thinking about all the ways I could kill myself without leaving my room. It was weird. Right now, I’m kind of freaked about it, but at the time, it felt perfectly normal to think like that. And I had all these images of blood everywhere, and how I would look when the found me… It was dark. And, well, not that it seemed like a god idea, but it seemed like a good back-up plan. I feel stupid. I shouldn’t be thinking like this, should I? Why can’t I just grow up and face my demons like a normal person? Gah. Sometimes, I think it would be sooooo much easier if I was still 5 years old, and my biggest concern was the type of juice Mom had given me that day.

So, I’m sinking back into my hole of depression. It sucks. I have to study, so…. well, those two things actually have nothing to do with each other, except for the fact that they are occuring at the same time. Sorry if you read this, seriously, I’m not ususally this pathetic.

You know how I said I had a thing for one of my housemates? Yeah, I’ve come to realise that that isn’t really true, I was just kind of lonely. Why do I feel the need to put this in my blog? Well, if not here, then where?

As most of you know, I’ve been stressing rather a lot about my exams, the next of which is on Tuesday. So yesterday, I was trying to force myself to study when I just decided to screw it and go see a friend of mine who lives in res (like a dorm) really close by. I was only meant to go for a couple of hours and be back at 6pm (at the very latest) but… well things kind of got out of control.

Firstly, she was kind of high when I got there. Now, just to clarify, I don’t have anything against weed. It isn’t as bad as the government would have you think. I’ve even smoked it a couple of times (gasp!). So yeah, there I was with my high friend, just chilling in her room, and we decided to go to the mall so I could buy a new cell phone (I’ve been desperately in need of an upgrade for about a year now!). But first, she wanted me to partake in a little smoke. (The herbal kind, of course)

This “quick break” was turning into quite an expedition. We went to the guy’s res, where I met a few new people and promptly proceeded to smoke their weed. Seriously, stoners are like the most generous people in the world. And so we went to the mall, feeling rather pleased with ourselves (not surprisingly)

Let me just tell you, buying soething while you’re un-sober- not fun. But I managed to get my phone (which I love, because, you know, it actually WORKS!) and we decided to have some Mickey D’s and then a cocktail.

Then we went to a sex shop. I kid you not. It was right there, so we figured, why not? It was… weird. Kind of disturbing how hard the place tried to sell sex to you. It seemed kind of desperate. I was quite tempted (for reasons unbeknownst to me) to buy a schoolgirl outfit. Not like I have someone to show it to, but that is besides the point. We decided to head home after that, I think it was about 10 pm by then.

We ended up back in my friends room (sorry, I just had to interrupt myself to say that I love Fall Out Boy. Seriously, their music really gets to me. ANd have guys seen the video for “I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Trying To Get You Off”? It’s so sweet, I may have cried like a baby when I saw it. ).

Ok, right, so back in my friend’s room, and we decided to go back to the guy’s res (“just for a bit”). I met a few more people, one of whose pants I ended up wearing. (No. It wasn’t like that, I just really wanted to wear pants instead of a mini. And they were sooooo comfy, and a perfect fit strangely enough! Think I should buy a pair of man pants!). We may have smoked a bit more, drank a bit  more. By that point, though, I was just exhausted. So we hit the sack sometime that morning, think it was 1 or 2.

The point of this whole long post was not to make you think I’m a stoner or that I think it’s a good idea to blow off work- really, tha’s the last thing I want you to think. I just think that sometimes you have to let go, and just do the unexpected. Sure, I have a lot of work to get through, but I also have a completely awesome experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything! Also, if ever you have the opportunity to dringk a Toblerone martini- t is the most awesome thing I’ve ever tasted!

And on that note, I have some work that is just aching to be done. To all those in the same exam-boat, keep strong, we’ll survive!

Ciao!