Ok, (I’ve noticed that I start a lot of posts with “Ok”, my English teacher would flay me alive for that!). So it’s been a very weird morning. Just to let you know, this is likely to be rant-y and laced with just a hint of self-pity. And maybe some triggering content. But anyway.
I wrote my Accounting exam yesterday, and it was actually alright. I’m pretty sure I passed it, so that’s a load of my shoulders. So I was all amped to study last nigh and I just… got into bed and didn’t get out until now, which is about 12pm. Yes, I slept for about 15 hours. The feeling I had isn’t so strong now, but I just felt so lethargic and everything was pointless.
Why is this such a bad thing?
Because this is how I felt when I was a little suicidal a while ago. This was the whole reason that I started going to therapy. Incidentally, I skipped therapy this morning due to feeling like a useless lump. ANd that’s made me feel like a useless lump. I kept waking up, and I would actually get up with the intention of doing something… then end up in bed again.
But for the past couple of hours, it’s been getting worse, what with me thinking about all the ways I could kill myself without leaving my room. It was weird. Right now, I’m kind of freaked about it, but at the time, it felt perfectly normal to think like that. And I had all these images of blood everywhere, and how I would look when the found me… It was dark. And, well, not that it seemed like a god idea, but it seemed like a good back-up plan. I feel stupid. I shouldn’t be thinking like this, should I? Why can’t I just grow up and face my demons like a normal person? Gah. Sometimes, I think it would be sooooo much easier if I was still 5 years old, and my biggest concern was the type of juice Mom had given me that day.
So, I’m sinking back into my hole of depression. It sucks. I have to study, so…. well, those two things actually have nothing to do with each other, except for the fact that they are occuring at the same time. Sorry if you read this, seriously, I’m not ususally this pathetic.
6 June, 2008 at 11:22 am
It’s not pathetic. Sounds like you’re feeling pretty bad
Can you call your therapist and rearrange?
Talk to me, if you want.
I start all my posts with ‘So’.
6 June, 2008 at 11:35 am
Ok.
First of all, I love Cobra Starship- Gabe is so scarily awesome. Ahem, now that that irrelevant comment is out of the way…
Can’t reschedule until next Friday, when I’l most likely be back home. I really thought that it was getting better, you know? Like, I was all positive and looking forward to sh** and then… I’m trying really hard to find the point where it all turned around.
Basically I’m builing a box around myself, and then I get upset when people don’t break through it and fix me. I realy can’t handle this right now. And all I want to do is get back into bed and think about nothing and feel nothing. Instead, I’m going to have a bath, maybe t’ll help. I really wish I hadn’t skipped therapy this morning. Stupid me. Wow, the spiral of self-loathing is especially speedy today! Thanks for listening to all my ranting.x
11 June, 2008 at 4:36 am
Hey, thank you for visiting my blog and commenting!
I do that a lot; build boxes around me, I mean. Especially, if I have something negative going on, like fighting an infection with antibiotics. I just become hyper-focused on that part of my life and there’s not room for anything or anyone else. I’m hardly able to string a few words together to leave a comment, but it does get better after a while.