Sigh. This is turning into a very whiny blog. Well, maybe whiny isn’t the best word. I think that I only write here when I’m sad. Or at least, I don’t write here when I’m deliriously happy.
I was really happy. Seriously, 24 hours ago I wasn’t sinking back into the depression. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t handle it. “It” being life. I don’t know how to make my dreams come true. A friend of mine wrote that somewhere, and I actually stopped breathing when I read it, because. Well, because I agree. Well, the first problem is that I don’t know what my dreams are.
“Place all your bets
And watch me lose
The life that I’ve got
But never use”
Those are lyrics from “Out Through The Curtain” by The Hush Sound (a truly amazing band) which sum things up pretty neatly. I don’t use my life. A lot of us don’t, I think. Weird to know where to start though. You’d think that living is something that would come easily to me by now. Almost 2 decades and I still can’t do it? *laughs*
All this talk makes me want to do something bad. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I went/am going through this self harm thing. And people rarely understand it, so I won’t try and explain. The point is, that when I feel mired down and stuck like this, the desire to cut becomes very strong. I start thinking: I could totally handle it. I could stop whenever I wanted. It’s totally not a big deal.But of course it’s a big fucking deal. What the hell, how is carving into your body not a big deal. Gah. Sometimes, I just get tired. Recently (and this kind of freaks me out) I get these images of what it would look like if I killed myself. It’s not like I want to, it’s just. I sort of plan it out in my head. It’s twisted.
Feeling like this was easier when I was at school. Here, at home, I feel like I can’t lose my shit. Everyone’s watching and I have to be on my best behaviour. Sometimes, I want to fall apart in front of them, just so that they know that it’s serious. It’s not me being a drama queen.
PS- if someone wants to make comments along the lines of “stop being so emo and whiny”, just don’t. Seriously, don’t bother. Nothing you can say could make me feel worse than the things that are already in my head.
7 July, 2008 at 4:43 am
Check out this song. It might help.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PZ4k3FneMTU
8 July, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I can’t begin to express how much I can relate to this. I recently did break down in front of my mother, and she knows now that the problem exists at least. Depression runs in my family, so she was very casual about it. It did make me feel like she didn’t take me seriously though; just because I’m not unique, it doesn’t make my problems more casual and easier to take care of. I can’t complain, I guess, since at least she’s not freaking out.
Although my problems don’t manifest in self-harm, I’ve seen it in my best friend. The therapist suggests all sorts of damage control for it, like using ice instead of cutting.