It’s been a while.

Mostly becauseI’ve mostly been on LiveJournal. I guess I prefer more interaction and making actual friends to this. Not that “this” is in any way bad or inferior. It’s just a little impersonal. I think I prefer to use this blog for the thoughts that I want to just put out there, without having to think/comment/discuss them later.

So, what’s been going on? Well, wow, now that I think about it, there’s a lot that’s happened of late. Most importantly, I dropped out of school. Well, okay, not “dropped out” (my inner drama-queen is coming out to play!). I dedided to take a Leave of Abscence, and try to sort out all my shit. This basically entails going to therapy a lot, ad crying and feeling sorry for myself. Well, okay, it’s less pathetic than it sounds; it’s actually been really difficult. I don’t fail, I never fail and I never quit and that’s exactly what I had to do in order to get better. Sure, it sucks that I missed exams and basuically wasted an entire year, but I’m alive. And in all honeslty, I probably wouldn’t be if I had decided to suck it up and stay at school.

Lately, the big topic of debate in my house has been: Antidepressants: To Medicate, Or Not To Medicate. Yeah, it’s about as fun as it sounds. Personally, I’m so relieved that it’s come up. I couldn’t deal by myself anymore. You have no idea how hard it has been for me to survive for the past 4 months. Every fucking day is a struggle. Sometimes, I feel like this is punishment for having such a smooth childhood; no troubles, no sadness, no nothing. Then, I hit 18 and everything falls to pieces. Figures.

 

“Music is my gender-neutral lover”

Someone wrote that on their LiveJournal and everytime I see it, I smile. Music is like my lover: I’m always with it, I can go to it whenever, it makes me super happy. Now, if only we could have lots of sex and babies.

Things are good y’all. I try not to think too hard about what kind of day I’m having; I’d rather just let it happen. Seriously, we do we think so much? Nothing has more destructive power than the human mind.

This is just a pointless ramble, so I’m going to sign off. I’m meant to be studying in the library anyway.

Have a great day, all.

 

A revelation. Of sorts.

Hi! It’s been a while, but hey, it’s my blog; I can neglect it as much as I please.

Things have been… pretty good overall. Wow, it feels so weird to say that, I’m so used to feeling whiny and sad. There have been a lot of revelations: the “It’s ok to be who you are. Duh.” revelation, the “Do things for yourself” revelation, and the “Maybe you should stop scaring boys away” revelation, to name but a few. But the one I want ottalk about today, is the “Why the f*ck do people say I act white just because I listen to rock?” revelation. Well, it’s not really a revelation, more an observation.

Still, it pisses me off.

When I was a kid, I loved teenpop. It was a good era for teen pop, we got pre-crazy Britney, N*Sync, The Backstreet Boys… Aaaah, those were the days. Insipid lyrics? Check. Matching outfits? Check. Killer dance moves? CHECK. Good times all around.

As I got older though, I didn’t go for Hip Hop and RnB like most of my black friends. I very slowly started listening to more alternative stuff, namely The Strokes, Maroon 5 (I think it’s pop, but people seem to classify it as alt. rock, so whatever), Coldplay. I just became really disenchanted by other music. Mostly, I think it was their music videos. Seriously. Can you say “objectification of women”? Because, have you seen those vidoes? It’s like lite-porn. In some cases, it’s like ACTUAL-porn. It makes me sick to my stomach when I see some woman gyrating across my screen in hotpants and matching bra. I’m not going to rant about it, because god knows that there are enough of those floationg around. The point is, I wasn’t having it. I preferred rock and alt. rock videos because they seemed to have (a little more) substance. Well, at least they had less scantily clad women. (I must note, however, that half naked women seem to be spreading into all genres. Sigh.)

I don’t know, the rap industry seems to be made up of a whole lot of smack talk, trashing woman and sexism. Please, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. It just seems that way to me.

Luckily though, I found music that spoke to me. Right now, I guess I would list my favorite bands as the following: My Chemical Romance, Panic At The Disco, Death Cab For Cutie, Gym Class Heroes, Taking Back Sunday, Fall Out Boy, Cobra Starship, The Hush Sound and The Academy Is… And that’s just the mainstream stuff (there’s a whole other list involving classical music and jazz, even the ocassional folk tune), but I don’t have hours to sit here and make a list. Another time, perhaps.

The point is, my music is pretty different from most black people that I know. I suspect that things would be different for me if I lived somewhere else, but Southern Africa is still pretty… well, I guess racially-turbulent is a good way to phrase it. People have this misconception that music is divided into different categories, and if you’re a certain colour, you fall into a certain category. Unfortunately, I seem to have fallen headfirstinto the “white” category. And really, that doesn’t bother me. It seems to bother a lot of other people though. Since I don’t like 90% of our local music, I have been labelled as “unpatriotic” and “a sellout”. Hold up people. I never said that it wasn’t GOOD music, or even that you shouldn’t listen to it. All I said was I didn’t like it. Sheesh.

The question I get asked the most is some variation of “you know you’re like a white person, right?”. No. I wasn’t aware of that. I thought that I was just a person who liked more rock that Hip Hop. I guess I was wrong. People tend not to take me seriously. They think that I’m pretending to be someone that I’m not, or that I think that white people are better than black people. But all I know, is that rock speaks to me more than Hip Hop. 50 Cent never gave me hope, Gerard Way did. And if people don’t get that, it’s cool. But don’t you dare judge me becasue I’m notjust like you. (Hey! I found my revelation! I shall call it the “People who think like this are pretty dumb” revelation. I think it’s catchy.)

 

Will you, won’t you, be the one I’ll always know…

Sigh. This is turning into a very whiny blog. Well, maybe whiny isn’t the best word. I think that I only write here when I’m sad. Or at least, I don’t write here when I’m deliriously happy.

I was really happy. Seriously, 24 hours ago I wasn’t sinking back into the depression. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t handle it. “It” being life. I don’t know how to make my dreams come true. A friend of mine wrote that somewhere, and I actually stopped breathing when I read it, because. Well, because I agree. Well, the first problem is that I don’t know what my dreams are.

“Place all your bets

And watch me lose

The life that I’ve got

But never use”

Those are lyrics from “Out Through The Curtain” by The Hush Sound (a truly amazing band) which sum things up pretty neatly. I don’t use my life. A lot of us don’t, I think. Weird to know where to start though. You’d think that living is something that would come easily to me by now. Almost 2 decades and I still can’t do it? *laughs*

All this talk makes me want to do something bad. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I went/am going through this self harm thing. And people rarely understand it, so I won’t try and explain. The point is, that when I feel mired down and stuck like this, the desire to cut becomes very strong. I start thinking: I could totally handle it. I could stop whenever I wanted. It’s totally not a big deal.But of course it’s a big fucking deal. What the hell, how is carving into your body not a big deal. Gah. Sometimes, I just get tired. Recently (and this kind of freaks me out) I get these images of what it would look like if I killed myself. It’s not like I want to, it’s just. I sort of plan it out in my head. It’s twisted.

Feeling like this was easier when I was at school. Here, at home, I feel like I can’t lose my shit. Everyone’s watching and I have to be on my best behaviour. Sometimes, I want to fall apart in front of them, just so that they know that it’s serious. It’s not me being a drama queen.

PS- if someone wants to make comments along the lines of “stop being so emo and whiny”, just don’t. Seriously, don’t bother. Nothing you can say could make me feel worse than the things that are already in my head.

 

Meaningless drivel…

Ok, (I’ve noticed that I start a lot of posts with “Ok”, my English teacher would flay me alive for that!). So it’s been a very weird morning. Just to let you know, this is likely to be rant-y and laced with just a hint of self-pity. And maybe some triggering content. But anyway.

I wrote my Accounting exam yesterday, and it was actually alright. I’m pretty sure I passed it, so that’s a load of my shoulders. So I was all amped to study last nigh and I just… got into bed and didn’t get out until now, which is about 12pm. Yes, I slept for about 15 hours. The feeling I had isn’t so strong now, but I just felt so lethargic and everything was pointless.

Why is this such a bad thing?

Because this is how I felt when I was a little suicidal a while ago. This was the whole reason that I started going to therapy. Incidentally, I skipped therapy this morning due to feeling like a useless lump. ANd that’s made me feel like a useless lump. I kept waking up, and I would actually get up with the intention of doing something… then end up in bed again.

But for the past couple of hours, it’s been getting worse, what with me thinking about all the ways I could kill myself without leaving my room. It was weird. Right now, I’m kind of freaked about it, but at the time, it felt perfectly normal to think like that. And I had all these images of blood everywhere, and how I would look when the found me… It was dark. And, well, not that it seemed like a god idea, but it seemed like a good back-up plan. I feel stupid. I shouldn’t be thinking like this, should I? Why can’t I just grow up and face my demons like a normal person? Gah. Sometimes, I think it would be sooooo much easier if I was still 5 years old, and my biggest concern was the type of juice Mom had given me that day.

So, I’m sinking back into my hole of depression. It sucks. I have to study, so…. well, those two things actually have nothing to do with each other, except for the fact that they are occuring at the same time. Sorry if you read this, seriously, I’m not ususally this pathetic.

 

Thought=Feelings=Behaviour

Ok, I started a post about how the power of thought changed my life, but it was just coming out a tad condescending. You know, like how people who’s lives are awesome go on about how it’s so simple to turn it around and all you have to do is try… Sometimes (read, most of the time) it’s really irritating. Patronising. That’s the word I was looking for. And I don’t want to be like that.

So let me just say this: I was depressed. I was locking myself away from the world because I was so scared of having a bad experience. And (surprise surprise) I was miserable. I wanted to drop out of school (because I was scared of failing) and there was a whole lot going on. And I decided to tell people. I told my parents and they were suitably concerned and told me to go see a therapist. And so I did, and I learned that a lot of my sadness came from inside my head. It was really hard for me to accept, because it meant that I had made myself so miserable.

But now I know what the problem was. I kept thinking negatively, then I would feel negative and so I would act negative. It sounds like such a simple equation, almost too simple. But that’s what it all boils down to. We control our own happiness. I think that people are hesitant to admit this because they don’t want to take control of their lives. THey want to be able to blame someone else when things go wrong. Or at least, that was my reason.

But I’ve come to realise that there’s no point in wasting my time making myself sad. Seriously. I’m 19 years old, a had an awesome childhood, I go to a great school, I know some awesome people: life should be good. I want it to be good. In fact, that’s my new goal. I don’t want to judge my life by my grades, or guys that like me, or how much money I have. I’m going to judge it by how happy I am. Sounds simple enough right?

Oh, and by the way, my Economics exam was fantastic. Seriously, it went better than I could have hoped for… so let’s hope that I can keep that going for the next 11 days!

 

Life imitates art…

This has to be a short post what with the exam I have in about  32 hours for which I am severly underprepared), but I just had to write after the epsiode of Grey’s Anatomy that I just watched.
It was the season finale, and it broke me. Well, parts of it did anyway. I don’t want to get into details in case some people haven’t watched it. But I have to say that the love between Jeremy and Beth (I think that was her name), it seriously rocked me to the core. It was incredible acting from both of them. It was the kind of thing that makes you long for love like that, even if it’s fleeting. And even if it hurts when it’s gone… just to have experienced that would have meade you a better person. That was incredible.
I think that anyone who has read my blog (no matter how smal your numbers!) know that I’m a little love obsessed. But can you blame a girl for hoping?

 

The wave is about to break

Seriously, I feel like a big revelation is on its way. You know, one of those life-changing moments that alter your perception of the world? Yeah. Totally on it’s way. I have no idea what it is though, no idea what it’s about. But I want it, I want change. I want to feel something other than worry or concern or boredom with life. I just… I don’t know.

I’m slipping back into my negative thoughts, and that is VERY BAD. Seriously, I went to therapy for this. And I learned a whole lot about myself, still learning really. Sometimes I wish I could write down all the things I’ve learned, they would really help in a pinch.

Ok, happy thoughts now! Bunnies and kittens and chocolate and freshly cut grass and the smell of rain and… ok, feeling a bit better.

Ok, another random thought- I really want to kiss my housemate. Like really. It would abviously be a bad idea, what with living next door to me. Imagine if it was awkward. I mean, he’s my best friend in this house and I don’t want to lose him. But sometimes, I just want to stick my tongue in his mouth. That’s normal right? Ugh. This sucks. And he smells good. Why couldn’t he be an asshole, who smelt bad and didn’t make me feel better when I felt sad?

 

About me:

Ok, so maybe this isn’t the most original idea, but isn’t that the whole point of Social Computing? Here are 100 things about me you probably don’t know (probably less than that, but 100 is such an impressive number!).

1. I love chocolate, even when it’s made me feel sick. Yeah, I think I might have a bit of a problem.

2. I love knowing things.

3.I love that feeling I get when the world jsut seems to be interconncted.

4. I have a little crush on one of my housemates.

5. I’m allergic to melons.

6. I can cry at the drop of a hat, but I can also be really cold sometimes.

7. I let people take advantage of me because I don’t want to let them down.

8. My biggest fear is failure.

9. I’m tired of writing such negative thoughts.

10. EBM has been a huge inspiration to me.

11. At this moment, I have no idea if I believe in God or not.

12. I like blue flowers.

13. I’m not really partial to the smell of roses.

14. My favourite days are ones spent in my room when it’s pouring rain outside.

15. I love pictures of spectacular scenery. And clouds. I’m a total cloud whore.

16. Yeah, I deleted this one. Sorry!

17. That worries me since I’m almost 20. Doesn’t really make sense since 16. is gone!

18. I’m meant to be doing exam prep right now.

19. I love to collect knick-knacks

20. I want to live in England somefay.

21. I’ve been to Paris twice and it was SPECTACULAR both times.

22. For about 5 years, I’ve harboured a serious attraction to an old friend

23. He probably kows about it

24. I got over the embarasssment pretty fast.

25. Mostly because he lives pretty far away.

26. I think I’ll be a good mom

27. Sometimes, naked images of the people around me rise unbidden in my mind.

28. I wonder if that means I’m deprived.

29. The idea baring your soul completely kind of scares the crap out of me.

30. I don’t particularly like to cook.

31. I wsh I played lead guitar for My Chemical Romance.

32. I’m not on oreo, and that has gotten really old really fast.

33. I’m not lost, just undiscovered.

34. I have considered dropping out of school to become a dancer.

35.Sadly, I haven’t had any training, so that probably wouldn’t work out.

36. I have a thing for white boys.

37. I love the way guys smell- when they’re clean, of course.

38. I love sarcasm.

39. I love socks

40. I love hot water bottles

41. My fingers are crooked because I spent most of my childhod walking around with clenched fists.

42. Sometimes, my voice is tolerable.

43. I tend to overthink things. Like, a lot.

44. Guitars are the most fantastic instruments in the world.

45. I want to be a pilot.

46. Sometimes, I wonder what t would be like to do something completely unexpected.

47. Kniting is fun, and not just for grannies

48. I always sleep through my alarm.

49. I’m always almost late for class

50. I have tiny wrists

51. My favourite body parts are: hands, torso (and, no, it doesn’t have to be muscular and toned!), nose ( I love distinctive noses) and necks. Basically the body parts that you don’t really come into contact with all that often.

52. I hate it when people don’t care about the environment.

53. Sometimes, I’m actually glad to be single.

54. I adore Stewie on Family Guy- I feel like the writers picked my brain sometimes

55. Hollywoods portrayal of the perfect life is impossible.

56. It’s almost 1 am, so more tomorrow!

57. If you are reading this- You are a gentleman and a scholar. Take the finest horse from my stables.

 

Hello world!

Whoo hoo! Blogging is fun. If I had known earlier the joy that I would get from pouring my heart and soul on to a screen for strangers to see… why, I would have been blogging for years. Better late than never though! Ok, I picked my blogs name because I really feel like this year is a fresh new start for me. You never know how hard it is to find yourself until you start trying, but I finally feel like I’m making some progress! It’s been long, slow and painful, but progress is progress and I’ll take what I can get.

One more time: HELLO WORLD! Thanks for listening. ;>